Camden and Khloe's Story | Tough As A Mother

May 25, 2021 3 min read

My road to motherhood looks much different than your typical story. Growing up, becoming a mom was something I always longed for. My friends and I would play dolls and house in hopes for the real thing one day. I had it all planned out; get married, have children, and live happily ever after. My naive brain saw this all playing out perfectly.

I was 19 when Cody and I got married. We were young but felt like nothing could get in our way. When we decided it was the right time to start trying for a family, I felt hopeful and excited about what was in store. After a few months of trying and multiple doctor appointments, we found out I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. PCOS makes getting pregnant difficult, and so our journey began.

After rounds and rounds of failed infertility meds, I felt emotionally and physically drained. Finally, on January 4, 2020, a day I will never forget, I finally got that positive pregnancy test. I took 15 tests over the course of several days just to make sure my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me. We were ecstatic with this news! Our first doctors appointment was filled with nervousness and excitement. As the doctor was doing the ultrasound, my husband and I had no idea what we are looking at on the screen. The doctor started to laugh as my husband and I looked at him in confusion. He turned to us and said "you're having twins!"

 

 

We couldn’t have been more excited. After a few weeks we found out we were having a boy and a girl. We immediately started preparing to welcome two new perfect babies into our lives.At my 20-week appointment I was thrilled to see my babies in 3D moving around. I could just make out their little features. My heart felt full.

I was almost 23 weeks when my water broke to unknown causes. When we got to the hospital, they let us know that we would most likely lose our twins. The doctors and nurses tried to keep them in as long as possible. We all hoped for a miracle. Within 24 hours, I developed an awful infection that came from my water breaking. The doctors told us that we had no other choice but to deliver. On May 31, 2020, Camden Lewis and Khloe May were born. Their perfect little bodies were strong. They fought for an hour to be with us. They passed away at the exact same time. I like to think they left together because they were giving each other strength to keep fighting.

We went from planning a nursery to planning a funeral and nothing felt right in the world. Burying a child is something no one should ever have to experience. It felt like motherhood was taken right out of my arms. As I have been working through my grief and coming up on our babies first birthday in heaven, I have had to find ways to honor and celebrate my babies’ lives in other ways.

So, motherhood to me isn’t normal or expected. Instead of taking my kids to the park or spoiling them with love and gifts, I go visit their grave. Instead of people seeing me push my kids in a stroller or hold them by my side, I have to explain that I’m a mother to my babies in heaven. I decorate their grave each month, place photos of them around my house, and maintain a flower garden in my yard in their honor. My husband and I often have picnics at their grave to talk to them and visit them. The best way I feel I can be a mother is by talking about my angels, saying their names, and remembering their lives no matter how short they were. Being a mother comes in many forms, no matter your journey. -Kyla


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